Not According to -my- Plan

Where do I begin? I know it's been way too long since I've shared an update here. That's partly due to not knowing what update to give in the midst of the unknowns, and partly due to not knowing how to sufficiently share about the last two months, and really, all that I've processed of the last four months. I'm going to try to do that, in part, now.

I came to Japan to teach English as a church outreach program. The first two months were full of meeting people, dipping my toes into teaching here, helping with VBS, learning how to do everyday life, and exploring Japan during my month of summer break. I was supposed to start teaching again at the beginning of September. That was the plan. I came here to teach, right?

One morning in late August, I woke up with a headache. It didn't feel like a normal headache, but since it went away after a bit, I didn't think much of it. The next day, I woke with a headache again, and again the day after that. The headaches continued, off and on, every day increasing in frequency, duration, and intensity. I knew these weren't normal headaches, like I get on occasion. My mind went to the worst-case scenario, and I wondered if I had a brain tumor. I also thought of my shunt, which I've had since I was three and had meningitis. It had been working just fine for the past nineteen years, but could it have malfunctioned? My small hope was that the cause was just a virus of some sort, and would go away on its own after a few days. Even so, I went to a clinic to get a CT scan to rule out anything serious. This began the journey of getting better acquainted with the Japanese medical system through many visits to multiple doctors.

The next week was the worst. The headaches were excruciating and debilitating. They woke me up several times a night, so I was exhausted. With the headaches came pounding in my ear, and trouble focusing my eyes. Dizziness and lightheadedness often hit, even if I just changed position or turned my head too quickly.

Before I had a chance to start teaching after summer break, we canceled classes for the time being.

Even with all the pain, the worst part was the mental battle. I found myself wondering what I was doing here, so far away from my family and what was comfortable. I wasn't able to do what I came here to do. I felt like a burden, especially to Makoto and Anna, who so graciously cared for me, and took me to many many doctor's appointments to translate. I found myself doubting my worth and my ability to serve God here. I knew life in Japan would not always be easy. In fact, I was expecting it to be hard at times. It just wasn't hard in the ways I expected it to be.

But

God is good.

I found that to be the case countless times, through the Bible verses He would give me in the dark hours of the night, through the songs that would come to mind - songs whose words didn't really stick out until those moments, through the encouraging messages of friends and family, through the countless prayers offered up on my behalf, through refreshing talks filled with good counsel, through laughter, through sunshine, and so much more.

This journey has been a roller coaster of a battle against fear and doubt, but God is faithful, and I will proclaim that over and over again!

Something that really struck me was the fact that God is not required to work within my expectations. God does not always use me in the ways I think He will, or in the ways that seem obvious. I was reminded of something I had heard early on in my time in Japan: Jesus is my calling. Yes, my task is to teach, but I am here to share Jesus. I still don't know exactly why this happened here, now, or how God has and will continue to use it, but I have seen how He can work way beyond the passions and talents He has given me. It's not about me. It's all about Him.

It's His work.

I am His.

The days went on, and I continued going to hospitals. I was prescribed some medicine that would reduce the pressure in my head some while we searched for the cause and a real solution. We found that my shunt seemed to not be working properly, and at the prospect of me possibly needing shunt revision surgery, my parents decided to come visit. During their time here, I had some more testing done. It was discovered that my shunt indeed was not working, but I still appeared to be processing my cerebral spinal fluid, by some unknown means. The doctors decided to wait before jumping into surgery, and see if the headaches would resolve on their own. My parents went back to the States after a little over two weeks here, and I was learning to cope with the headaches. I still couldn't do active things, but I was able to mask the headaches pretty well.

We knew we couldn't just wait indefinitely for my headaches to go away, so since I seemed to be doing a little better, I planned to start teaching again. I would teach just my one-on-one classes for a week, and then start in on all the classes the following week.

The Sunday before classes would start, I woke up with a little spot in my vision. I hoped it would go away, but it didn't. On Monday, I went to the eye doctor, where they discovered some bleeding on my retina, and referred me to the hospital. On Tuesday, I went to the hospital, where they found that both of my optic nerves were swollen, which can be the result of excess intracranial pressure, and they linked it back to my shunt malfunctioning. I was referred to another hospital which specialized more in shunt surgery. I went there on Wednesday, and surgery was scheduled for the following Tuesday.

I felt fear creeping in again that week, first, at the thought of threats to my vision, then, at the thought of going into surgery. Because of the nature of a shunt revision surgery, the surgeon wouldn't know exactly what he would or could do until he went in. He would 1. replace part of the shunt, 2. replace the whole shunt, or 3. put in another shunt in a different location on my head.

Unknowns remind me yet again to trust the God who does know. 1 Timothy 6:12 tells us to fight the good fight of faith. This was a battle of faith over fear, but God gives just what I need, when I need it. I felt the prayers of so many. Songs filled my heart. On the morning of my surgery, my daily devotion cited Isaiah 26:3-4 - You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. What a mighty God we serve!

When I woke up from surgery, I was amazed to hear that the surgery was simpler than any of us could have imagined! Praise God, who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think! The next day, I had another CT scan, which showed that my shunt was doing it's job, and my cerebral spinal fluid levels were back to normal! Again, praise God!

I had about a week in the hospital after surgery, which is pretty typical in Japan. When I finally got to go back home, I could have about skipped out of the hospital! I was thrilled to be rid of my headaches, I felt amazing, and the outside fall air was simply incredible.

Wow, God is good. Through the bad times, and the good times, God is good. I was reminded of my humanity, and just how incapable I am on my own. I was also reminded of just how big my God is and how deeply He loves me, and each of you!

May I ever trust Him. May I always hold my hands in surrender to how God will use me for His glory. May I rely daily on His grace and strength. May I forever share His love. May I praise Him with each breath He's given.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9